Okay, so this one's a bit funny.

A long time ago in the middle school I went to, we used to fuck with this teacher named Ms. Bade. I never had her class, but she is a real asshole.

Anyway, every day me and about 4 other friends would go to her classroom door at P.E. and knock on it and run away. It was really fun. So, one day, when we did it, I stopped my friend and told him to look through the window. He did, and he cringed and looked away. He said "Look for yourself..." I looked in the window, and couldn't believe my eyes. She was masturbating with a purple dildo watching gay porn. I told a lot of other people to do it, and then we all knocked on the door and she fell off of her chair. It was hilarious and I will never forget it.

School dress codes actually make me so mad. It's 90 degrees and my school has no air conditioning, and I can't wear a tank top because boys might get distracted.

BY MY SHOULDERS.

Man, if you can't control your boner over my upper arms, that's your own damn problem, my n***a.

A couple of days ago in English, this black girl that sits at the front of the room WOULD NOT stop talking to the girl next to her, so the teacher asked her to move seats. Instead of just moving seats, she said she wanted to go to the principal of the school and would rather have a referral.

Then my friend Charles passed me a note and when I opened it the only thing it said was "Rosa Parks" and I fucking cried

So, I was sitting in my English class with my friend Charles, right? We both sit in the back of the classroom. I was watching him flick a pencil halfway across the room and stuff, and then he tried to show me a trick where he would flick a penny into the furnace and it would come back out again. So, out of curiosity, I watched him. He failed and it ended up going onto the floor. I went to pick it up, and then this happened.

On my last day working at the zoo I was shoveling poop in the Donkey's pen while he was inside the barn. After about 10 minutes of crying about how much I hated my job, the donkey came out of the barn and stood in the corner of the pen watching me. I turned around and noticed he had an erection. I dropped my poop shovel and started walking towards the gate but the donkey started running towards me. I began to run but suddenly his massive donkey head push me over. I landed in the mud and felt one of his hooves on my back. "Not like this!" I screamed to nobody in particular. I dug my hands into the mud, pulled my body from underneath the weight of his fat belly and, with a burst of speed reserved for barefoot Kenyans, managed to make my way to and through the gate.

I lured the donkey back inside the barn, recovered my belongings, and went to my boss' office. She asked what was wrong so I told her the donkey tried to rape me, handed in my poop shovel, and left.

When I was in 5th grade, a boy liked me but I thought he was annoying, so on the playground he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend, and I said no, and I had to think of an excuse, so I started hugging a tree and I told him the tree was my boyfriend, then later I saw him kicking the tree and I felt kinda bad.

Seriously, if you're one of those people that make other people feel bad just because they don't "go out" as much as you do or they don't "socialize" as much as you do, you're a shitty person.

In AP Bio, as in every Biology class that's ever been taken, we had a unit on anatomy, broken down into smaller units. One of the first ones we covered, back in early April, was human reproductive anatomy.

So, second period, early April, Reproductive Anatomy unit, and the teacher has a slide showing the female reproductive system up on the projector. All is going fairly well, if a bit boring, when I hear the guy at the table behind me call out to the teacher "I have a question!"

I stop my doodling, anticipating the question to be something amusing, but not quite as amusing as what actually came out.

"If a girl has... Two holes... Down there? Right, there's the...urethra and then the other one is separate-"

"Yes?"

"What if you were having sex with a girl- Could you put it in the wrong hole accidentally?"

The teacher was gaping at him at this point, and I, still controlling the urge to laugh, looked around the room to see that a few other people were looking towards the front expectantly, obviously wondering the same sort of thing. Our teacher valiantly continued.

"The wrong hole?"

"Yeah, the wrong hole. I mean, could you accidentally stick it up the urethra?"

To which the teacher laughed a little and said:

"I think it would more likely go up the anus, though neither are very likely."

The look on the boy's face, not to mention half the faces in the AP Biology class, could only be described as one of shocked revelation.

"It can go up there?"

What the First Amendment Says: "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech."
What People Think It Says: "I'm allowed to say whatever cruel and bigoted things I want, and you're not allowed to get mad or be offended or call me on it."

My Public Speaking teacher has been demanding that we type up discussion questions for each chapter. We don't even have to answer the questions and it kind of seems like a waste of time to me.

Anyway, I decided I'd start handing in questions for an imaginary student named Tom Fischer. I always make sure I format our homework differently and have separate questions for Tom so my teacher can't trace him back to me.

It drove my professor crazy all semester!